Menace

Today I turned the big 2-5....yup I am now officially a quarter of a century old. I woke up excited because in my first class I got to dissect a sheep brain. Super awesome right?? It totally was! So as I am getting ready this morning I look out the window as I always do so I can decide on what I want to wear that day. I peek through my blinds to see SNOW. Really mother nature snow??!!?? Fine so I put on some pants and a tshirt because I am coming home after my first class anyway to change (who wants to smell like formaldehyde all day??) As I am angry that it is snowing on my day of being born I brush my teeth and drop toothpaste on my shirt. I don't have enough time to change because I look out to see that the bus is here. AWESOME! I throw on my jacket and run out the door so I don't miss the bus. As I am sitting on the bus contemplating the events of the morning this movie quote comes to mind, "Then the clouds opened up and God said, 'I hate you Alfalfa'. " Yup that pretty much sums it up. I go to all my classes get wished happy birthday a lot, get called old a few times, ate some cake, went to Applebee's which was super good! And I just realized I left my box of food on the table at the restaurant..well there goes my awesome leftovers for lunch! I even held in my anxiety of being the center of attention and pretended to enjoy it. All in all it was a pretty good birthday thanks to amazing friends who made my day special.

For some reason I didn't really enjoy myself....this was a hard birthday. I never truly understood what people meant when they say that. I do now. All my life I was fed the LDS fantasy of what life should be like. You graduate high school, go to college, find your companion, get married young, and make babies, and be happy for eternity. Well guess what?!? I am no longer 'young' I am STILL in college and I am as far from being married as I have ever been. Awesome Jess, you have epically failed at that LDS fantasy that every leader taught you. So tonight after everyone left I took off my happy face and I cried.

I cried out of frustration, stress, disappointment in myself, and because that's what I do when life seems lost. I hate the feeling that I am this old and still don't have much to show for it. I am very goal oriented and a list maker. My list of life accomplishments is pretty slim. I don't even know where I am going to be in 2 weeks from now. (maybe I will go live in a van down by the river!) I have yet to hear if I am accepted into the master's program and that is killing me. I put on a good show and pretend like it is not in front of everyone but deep down I am freaking out with each passing day of not getting that letter in the mail. I want to be a speech therapist more than anything and knowing that I might not get that dream is more than I can handle. I don't know what I am going to do if that doesn't work out. Everyone tells me that I will get in but what else are they going to say? "You are not very smart why did you even try?" Maybe I should have friends like that instead of the super nice ones that way I will always have a reality check. Well as always I can't be Negative Nancy for very long even if I really really really really really want to my brain just starts thinking of positive things. Sheesh! So here goes my positive list of being 25.

1. I am still single and can flirt/make out with whoever I want!

2. I can travel anywhere I want and apply for jobs anywhere!

3. I have better friends than I deserve!!!!!

4. I hate that I am positive...but I am sure that is a good thing so it goes on the list.

5. I have the best family ever!

6. I have so many options open to me right now the world is mine for the taking!

7. I cherish every one of my life experiences because each one is a learning experience that helps me become the person I am striving to be.

8. I am 'mature'...haha ok not really but by 25 I should be so it goes on the list too.

9. I have the gospel in my life.

10. I know that my Heavenly Father loves me and that He does have a plan for this 25 year old even if I don't know what it is....I have faith in His plan even if I am impatient and don't want to wait for it to unfold.

Good thing not many people read my blog....this is quite the depressing entry but I had to tell someone....so thank you blogging world for listening to this 25 year old's meltdown. I promise from now on I will embrace being 25 and love every minute of it!